Five Times Shawn and Lassie Made A Scene (And One They Kind of Not)
by Grigiocuore
Summary: Love can be complicated and disfunctional for everyone, but surely Shawn and Lassiter do anything to make it so. Lately they seem to do nothing but chopping each other's head off, so much it's getting their friends worried. But as I say, love can be complicated. SHASSIE One shots, one sappier than the other. Prepare toothpaste.
1. Same Old Things

_My lazy attempt at Shassie Week (aka, take a ol' good project, shake it and serve). Anyway, it's basically a collection of one-shots from the most sappy and fluffy depth of my heart, and I so dearly hope it could bring a little smile in your days too. Just like a chocolate cookie to melt on the tongue. _

**Same Old Things**

Lassiter's gaze was cold blue stone. Noble, clear, but unyielding. Untamable. A gaze that promises restless chasing and a medieval knight's raw justice. Many criminals had broken down almost immediately under that look, spilled out years of mischief and crime, haunted by the simple judging of those eyes. But not Shawn. Never Shawn.

Of course, the effect would much improve if they weren't in the milk aisle of Walmart.

-Spencer- Lassie roared. -I told you clearly, _clearly_ that we needed full –cream milk and toast bread.-

-And so I did.-

-You bought three packs of strawberry toothpaste, a pack of party napkins and a sack of jelly-O. And there's no trace of milk _or_ bread.-

Some by-passers stopped to look. By then he was shaking a sack of carrots like a sledgehammer.

-Well, I just_ improved_ the shopping list.-

-You're such a rascal...! Guster told me so, but this is _grotesque_.-

-"Grotesque"? C'mon, this can't be a real word. And since when you and Gus gossip around like two old ladies?-

-Uh. Ah. I, he _that's not the point_. It's the principle.-

-Jeez, Lassie, quit it. You sounds like my dad now.-

-Because your father is an honest, probe man who knows when to buy _milk_.-

-I'm_ so_ not having this conversation.-

Lassie hissed. Shawn humfed.

-It's always the same. You can't do anything properly.-

-Well, if so I'm going to the DVDs. And I won't look at any _History Channel promotion_, Mister Lassiepants.-

-Good.-

-Good.-

-Fine.-

-Fine.-

-You can go.-

-I _go_.-

Shawn swirled around with a grimace, stomping away in the most dignified way possible.

Carlton let out a growled curse. The potatoes in his arms slipped and smashed on the floor. Spencer didn't look back.

The growl tinged with desperation.

A light touch brushed his sleeve, and he didn't even reach for his gun while turning. O'Hara would have been _so_ proud.

The old woman behind him was smiling. Smiling at him, all the way from the thin cherry-tinted lips to the glittered spectacles to the arched eyebrows under backcombed hair.

-A quirky one you got, didn't you?-

Carlton didn't know how to answer. His ear tips flushed pink as he recalled his Mother's recommendation. Usually, elder ladies watched him with suspicion. Actually almost _everyone_ watched him with suspicion.

-I, I apologize Ma'am. I'm deeply sorry you had to witness this awful occurrence.-

She was chuckling.

-Don't worry, suga'. It's all righty. Me and me ol' fella were always bickering like that, and fifty years we stayed together. Always rantin' and yapping and honking about nonsense. I do not regret a single day.-

Carlton smiled lightly, straightening his back. Even the potatoes seemed less important.

-Oh, I understand. Thank you for your support, ma'am. I know it could seem hard, but sometimes a man just had to put some rationality...-

The lady awkwardly patted his hand. -Actually, Suga', it was _me_ the one rantin'.-


	2. New Perspectives

_Second chap, just in time for 's. I love domestic quarrels, and I'm sure Lassie and Shawn are amazing at that. Don't ask me what the Hell happened before this sketch, however._

_Big thanks to every reader, reviewer and Shassie lover._

**New Perspectives**

Shawn burst in the precinct just after midday. He didn't greet anyone, didn't fool around, didn't say a word, he just marched up to Juliet's desk, looking very close to spontaneously combustion. She looked him taking a deep breath, laying his hands on her computer's sides, and taking another breath.

-I just want to say that your partner is crazy- He noted firmly. -He's paranoid, obsessive and a total maniac.-

She arched an eyebrow.

-You get it only now?-

-Yes. I mean, no, but really, he's nuts. He stopped screaming just because he got to work. And all for what you'll ask, for the stupid dryer thing. And for the couch I told him, it was not my fault, the gofer just wanted the fruit basket back, and the blue bears, _well_, I didn't ask for that.-

-I don't want to even start to understand.-

-I swear, sometimes I'd just like to wrap my hands around that skinny neck of his and shake and shake until all those control-freak issues pour out of his overgrown ears.-

-Mmm.- She commented approvingly, because it was a pretty fitting description of what she had craved to do in more than one occasion.

-I'm being serious, Jules.-

Shawn let out a sound of defeat, slumping on the swivel chair next to her. Messing his artfully combed hair with tired hands.

Juliet sighed and reached out to pat his knee. Oh Gosh, befriend guys. No Romance-grounded wisdom, and you have to explain them everything.

-Shawn, you don't have to get u- _not upset, big boys don't like it_ – pissed over it. It's Carlton. He expresses the ninety percent of his emotions ranting.-

-I know. It's just that he's always so...angry. I do something, he freaks out, I don't do something, he barks. With me he never even tries to be less, less _pointy_.-

-Well, neither he tries with me.-

-And this is good because...?-

Juliet sighed again and did a small smile.

-Despite all appearances, Carlton has tried all his life to please others. He has tried to be the most proper man possible since he was ten. The most sensible son, the most responsible husband, always in control, always in guard. For all this time he has never felt safe enough to be the things he was. So he has tried to be all the things everyone wanted for him to be.-

-He never did it with me.-

Jules cast him a long glance. -No. He didn't.-

Shawn stopped complaining.

-Why he has to be so difficult? Eh? _Eh?_-

Gus cautiously considered the detective in front of him. -What answer will make me get out alive?-

-You wouldn't imagine what he said to me, the little ungrateful twerp. I think you too would find hard to believe it.-

Lassiter furiously turned toward the precinct kitchenette counter, rummaging through the drawers like a sort of hungry scavenger. Knowing that probably an answer would be deeply ill-judged, Gus sipped silently his juice.

-And for what, mh? For I dared to ask him not to be a total waste of space during housework and try, just try to preserve the house he actually lives in with all his useless expanse of knick-knacks and freaking movies and inane shirts. And then he arrives with that, and oh, let's not go there, I mean, it was unacceptable, and he forgot the dryer and the fruit basket was in the same place as ever and still he _did it._ -

The juice was suddenly ripped out of Gus's hands and a very livid detective plumped in front of him with a family-sized box of muesli. He stuffed his mouth with a handful of bran, scattering raisins and nuts all over the desk.

-I mean just said I wouldn't have that damn couch. I'm always reasonable._ Reasonable_.-

Gus stared at the pulsing vein on Lassie's temple. -Ah, yeah.-

-I just asked him not to do it. How difficult was not doing some crap? How goddamn difficult could it be for a decent human being?-

The munching was getting ravenous. This time there was no way out. Gus grumbled and gave up on the juice.

-Man, I understand. I know how hairy could it be dealing with Shawn sometimes. Lord knows if I know. But, it's complicated.-

-_Explain_.-

-Shawn works like this. If he wants something he pushes, charms and pushes again; and usually it works. He mastered all his life ways to go smoothly through the world. Then entered you and, well, he discovered it doesn't work always. Some no stay no. And this drives him crazy.-

-He has no problem in making me pissed, I say.-

-But he doesn't want to make you disappointed, Lassiter.-

Carlton blinked. Put down the cereal box. He could have smiled. -Uh. Uh. That was unexpected.-

-Don't say.-


	3. Out of the Blue

_I love Henry Spencer. I really love him, and I love writing his point of view. He's like this badass bear daddy enduring all the crap his son, and now his son's boyfriend manage to come up with and trying to pick up the pieces afterwards. And framing him in a family dinner is just too much fun._

**Out of the Blue**

When Henry Spencer was a rookie, he once witnessed a full building fire. There had been a mild suspicion of arson, so their chief sent him and his squad to collect witnesses and basically to watch how grown-up officers worked. He had spent the whole time standing side by side with a newbie firefighter, coughing on smoke, just outside the circle of fire and extinguishers, and he still remembered everything: the flames bursting high in the night, his animal brain screaming him to turn and flee as fast as possible. Above all, he remembered how outraged and terrified he had felt in front of it. Those men running around in overalls and pumps were trained to it, and still some of them would be burnt and hurt bad and scarred by that fire before the night ended. Rooms and family furniture were gone. People had lost homes. No one would ever know why. The flames had just rushed out, because that's what flames do, the young firemen said, 'til at some point they'd stop. Spreading havoc with no reason at all. Totally out of the blue. In his entire life Henry had never found something so completely out of his control, so utterly impossible to foresee, and nothing had ever scared him worse.

At least until he had Shawn. And later he had Shawn's couple to dinner.

Henry moved around the plate the Deli smashed potatoes, resisting the urge to get up and crash them on the two men sitting in front of him.

-For the last time, it was a joke. I didn't mean anything bad.-

-You made my phone ring in the middle of a meeting with the mayor, and with that Hellish ringtone moreover.-

-If you decided to finally learn how to use a Smartphone this wouldn't ever happen.-

-It was "Dancing with Myself", Spencer. It went _on two minutes_ before O'Hara shut it up.-

They were arguing over ringtones. Holy crap.

-Every time it's the same story.- Carlton growled. -You have no respect for any proper boundary.-

-It was a joke, Grandpa.-

-Measure your words, Spencer.-

-You ever listen to yourself? You're boring, Lassie!- Shawn hissed fiercely. -You're_ boring_!-

-I asked you forty times to change that ringtone!-

-As every normal guy know how to do. It's not my fault if you grew up like a Steinbeck's character!-

Two pairs of shocked faces turned to him. Shawn shrugged.

-What? I peek into Lassie's books when I'm bored.-

Henry gulped down a bite of potatoes and decided to draw back in his special place. Carlton and Shawn' arguments were getting nearly a constant feature of family dinners: they ended either with Shawn sprawled on his couch for the night or them holding hands . Sometimes both. Henry had never done it. Seeing his son arguing with a lover, ranting about their faults and then waiting for the phone to drill with seal-pup eyes. It was strange. Was that having a Father-son bond? A grown man snorting on your couch and Thursday evenings with no control over TV? It seemed so.

Meanwhile the two idiots were still bickering. Henry caught the words "stick" and " better than parchment" thrown around the table. Shawn rolled his eyes and grumbled. Carlton was clutching the fork with an alarming glare.

Luckily enough, the fork was just stuck in the steak with enough force to clang against the plate as Lassiter shot on his feet.

-Thanks for the dinner Henry. May you excuse me?-

-Sure Carlton.-

-Can I leave your son here for a moment?-

-As long as you don't stab him, Carlton.-

By that point Lassiter was obviously very beyond sarcasm, so he just nodded and marched towards the door with jacket in hand. Shawn scampered up as soon as he realized he was really going away. He whined.

-Oh, c'mon Lassie! Don't be such a tight-pants!-

Henry sighed and began to pile the plates as his son dashed after his boyfriend. He tried to remember if he still had a clean cover for the couch without feeling annoyed enough.

The fact was he liked both of them. They were good men, or something like that, and he had no problem to shout them to quit the crap. They could even do together well, in time. But there were variables. Accidents he couldn't even fathom right now. When or if they would snap apart, and how much it would hurt, and what they'd do after. What happens when two strong-willed, proud males break up like he and Maddie had broken? Nothing good for sure.

He walked in his kitchen just as the front door bang behind the idiots. It could become a problem, all of that. But right now it wasn't. It was nothing he could control. He could just hope the flames would leave something, and that by then he'd held by enough extinguishers.

Henry put down the plates and peered through the window over the kitchen sink. Watching as Shawn ran to the Ford, nearly got his hand snapped in the door, squeaked.

Nothing he could control.


	4. Six Pence For Your Thoughts

_A Bromance Lassiet scene, because of reasons. In this story Jules and Gus are together, and with a child too. (Basically the same setting of my fic "How to Survive ecc.") This idea was just too cute to leave it behind, so here we are. Thanks for your support. _

**Six Pence For Your Thoughts**

The first call came thirty minute after the beginning of the stakeout, and was about diapers.

-Ehy, love. How's doing Timmy? Wha...Ah, no, Gus, we already talked about it, he couldn't watch . I know it's a great Sci-fi classic, but he's one year old. He doesn't have the philosophical basis to. Ah, okay. Superman is good. Just until he sleeps. Yeah. Love you.-

-Hi, Gus. No, I haven't bought milk. I can't hear a thing, he's still awake. Oh shit, tomorrow he'd be hell. I was just, no, sure I can talk now, I wouldn't pick up the call during a shooting, honey. Mister Wu's, Chinese stuff. It_ is_ healthy, it even has vegetables. No, your stew is better, Gus. Really. Kiss kiss.-

-Gus. Really, it's all okay. We're safe and sound. I...ehy, ehy. Don't fuss. It's routine. Go to sleep. Buy the milk on my way. Now to bed, you make me feel like an Army survivor. Yes, I'll be careful. Yes, I'll take no risks. Yeah, it's just routine. Stop fuss. Love you. I drop the call, now. Carlton is giving me the Glare. I go. Bye, Gus, I go. Bye. _Bye_.-

Juliet shut the cell, leaning back against the Ford's seat. She looked unsure if feeling nauseated or delighted.

-Tell me again, how I found myself with a screaming toddler and an even more screaming husband in less than an year?-

Carlton jabbed the fork in the Mr. Wu's glazed pork. Grunted. -I fear I don't have an answer. The main reason you ever gave me was that he asked your hand with a Green Lantern ring.-

Juliet smiled in the shadows, picking up a duck sauce roll. She had made him eat pork from the same box as her, he still used his fork. It was all in the little things. Some of them weren't quite in place yet, but she handled them. _They_ handled them.

Speaking of which.

-Mh. By the way, Shawn has called?-

-No.-

The tone didn't encourage investigation. Neither breathing for that matter.

-Did you argue again?-

-Urghmf.-

-Carlton.-

-We discussed.-

Ugh. Discussing meant throwing objects and savage rants, but all spiced with emotional beating.

-It was bad?-

-O'Hara, seriously, we're in the middle of a police operation...-

-We're in no-use hours in the middle of goddamn nowhere. We have all the time.-

He sighed. He stretched uncomfortably behind the wheel, brushing the leather holster for comfort.

-It was the cell, again. I tried to call him before dinner, a convenient number of times, he didn't answer, and when he got home I was a tad, ah, upset. He was too. - Code name for bloody battlefield.

-When I woke up to come here he wasn't there. By now he's probably miles away. Hitting the road. Maybe he's left the city.-

-Mh, I don't think so.-

-I _do_ think so. It's that I...- A pause. -I should have known. I should have known since the start.-

He stopped talking, watching out of the window with glazed eyes. Juliet didn't like that look. She didn't like the places it sucked him to.

So, she did what any other best friend would have done.

-C'mon, let's check Carlos's door again. He has a Camaro. I'm sure we'll get one hell of a chase.-

Lassiter's smile was worth the death risk.

At the opposite side of the road Shawn Spencer pulled down the binocular and checked his watch. Still three hours to go. Lassie had better not to get shot.


	5. Burrowing Maturity

_Super-short chap, but there is a reason. One to go before the end. Stay tuned._

**Burrowing Maturity**

-Oh dammit Lassie, yes, I've already said that. I don't know what you're building up like. No. No. Yes. Eh? Well, maybe I'd listen more if you stop barking in my ear. No, I didn't. You. I. I gotta go. No no I can't stay, gotta go. Can't hear you. Gotta go. Whatever._ Go_.-

Shawn dropped the call, pressing on the phone screen with enough force to crack it. Gus scowled from behind the Blueberry's wheel.

-Shawn, this doesn't do. You can't keep dropping on your boyfriend every time he got pissed.- He didn't mention that it meant almost _always_.

-C'mon Gus, you know how it goes. He screams, I tunes out, he screams louder, I buy pizza. It's how we work.-

-Oh sure. Such an adult relationship, isn't it?-

A sigh.

-If it wasn't like this we wouldn't be at this point, after all.-

The mood flipped; they slipped in one of the rare sacks when they were actually adults. It wasn't comfortable. They didn't like having a maturity all on their own. They preferred burrowing it randomly, like a fishing pole.

Gus cast him a worried glance.

-Are you still decided about this thing, Shawn?-

-Yeah, Gus.-

-I mean, I perfectly understand the reasons. Or at least, I accept them, but I, I don't want to see either of you getting hurt. Mainly because otherwise Jules would kill me in a very painful way. You know how protective she gets.-

-Believe me bro, it's not easy for me too.- Shawn grumbled. -But I. I can't not do it, buddy.-

-Fine. I believe you. It's just, I thought we would never come at this point. Not with Lassie, at least. I really thought...-

-Yes.- The car hummed under gray skies. Shawn leaned against the window, and was not smiling.

\- Yes, me too.-


	6. Happy Ever After

**Happy Ever After**

Having lunch all together at the mall had seemed a good idea. After all the bouncing and drama of latest weeks, and considering what Shawn was planning to do soon, it could ease the stress a bit. Gus had actually thought he could enjoy his tacos in peace. Of course, he was wrong. He and his lovely wife stopped calmly in front of the lamp shop to look for his Granma's present, half-listening to the two idiots arguing near.

-Lassie, really, I'm sorry for the ice cream. I couldn't know there was mint.-

Carlton wasn't really angry. He was just stressed, and annoyed, and last days Spencer had been even more unintelligible than usual, so he barked. And he nearly got poisoned with _ice cream_, dammit.

-It was green with green crystals, it was not so subtle, Spencer.-

-It was _you_ trying to sneak a bite.-

-Hardly pertinent. You should anyway check better before stuffing yourself like a turkey. And don't slump around while eating, for Sweet Justice.-

-Okay Granma.-

-Don't use that tone with me.- Carlton replied. –It's a serious matter. Mother has already complained about your lack of table manners, and more than once.-

-My table manners? That could be the greatest problem _only _in your family, Lass.-

-You're inconceivable. And there's no need to offend my kin.-

-I was _kidding_.-

-Well it was not the moment for your _kidding_ crap.-

-Oh damn.- Shawn halted abruptly. There was something strange in his voice. -Okay. Okay, I'm done. Let's do this thing and forget about it.-

Carlton's heart stopped. He stopped anything. He knew what was coming. Oh, so this is, this is. It's over. You did it, Lassiter.

_Oh no, please please no. _

He took a breath, waiting for the blow. But then he saw that Shawn was kneeling in the middle of the floor, rummaging in his jacket.

Carlton's heart gave a beat.

-What are you doing, Spencer?-

He finally found something in the pocket, and was offering him it. The something was an orange plastic ring, the kind you finds in vending machines outside fun fairs or in cereal boxes. Carlton stared at it and for a moment it held in the whole world.

Shawn smiled.

\- Lassie-face, I'm no good with these things and you're no better, so I'll be blunt. I want to stay here with you. I want to find half-eaten lasagna in the tapper ware and make coffee in the morning and trip in your goddamn family scimitar for my whole life. I want to argue with you. I argue with very few people, because it's annoying and frankly complicated but with you, oh, I have to do it. It's too important. What we have, it's too important. And we can argue, but no matter what I'll keep coming to talk with you, because talking about them with you is the only true way things feel _real_. You, you've become my home, Lassie. Now let me try to become yours.

Carlton Jebediah Lassiter, would you marry me?-

Carlton gulped. Blinked hard. Talked in a shaky voice.

-Is that a cereal glowing ring?-

-Just put the damn thing on, Lassie.-

They looked at each other. Carlton snatched the ring out of Shawn's hand and put the ugly thing on his finger. They were shaking.

-You're such an idiot.-

-I'll take it as a yes.-

He got up and kissed him, fast and sweet, because they needn't to impress anyone, and in the momentum they crashed noses but it still was a great kiss. The mall cheered. The grumpy lady from the newsstand too.

Gus had totally forgotten the lamps. He swallowed years of anguish.

-We settled them down. We settled them down, Jules. It's every coupled best friends' dream.-

Jules gave him a peck on the temple. -Yes. Yes we made it.-

They hugged tight, smiling at the idiots clasped in the middle of the floor, sobbing aloud.

The one sobbing was_ not_ Jules.

_Thanks so much for your support, guys. I love giving our heroes a happy end; and I hope you've liked it too. And to leave you with at least a tiny sappy grin._


End file.
